Saturday, December 14, 2013

"Bauer and the Large Poisonous Spiders": A (very) short story

"Magnificent creatures, aren't they?"

"Scale of one to ten -- and be honest now -- how bothered are you by large poisonous spiders?"

"By the idea of large poisonous spiders or...?

"No, by the presence of large poisonous spiders. In your apartment. Like, crawling on your pillow and hiding behind the toilet."

Bauer was always calling me up at work to ask me things like this, so I was used to it. Eccentric guy, but an ideal roommate. Never late with the rent. No loud noises past eleven on a weeknight. Tidy. Not unpleasant to deal with. These calls, which he thoughtfully waited until my lunchtime to make, were the only drawback. I could live with them. 

I pondered my answer to his latest query and decided I needed more information. 

"How large?"

"Nerf ball size, I'd say."

"Nerf ball size."


"'Cause when you said large, I was thinking, like, watermelon size."

"No, no."

"Well, then, I'd have to say a ten."

"A ten?"

"Yeah. I'd be all-the-way bothered by that. I assumed 'ten' meant 'extremely bothered' and 'one' meant 'not bothered at all.'"

"Wouldn't deduct a point for them being Nerf ball size rather than watermelon size?"

"No. They'd just be harder to catch that way. I mean, theoretically."

"Theoretically, right. Still, though, magnificent creatures, aren't they?"

"Spiders, you mean?"


"I wouldn't say so, no."


"..So was there anything else?"

"Nope. Nope. So I'll just get rid of them, then."


"I mean, I was thinking empanadas tonight. How does that sound to you? Scale of one to ten. Be honest."


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